Monthly Archives: May 2009

Gardening….

Aah…..the return to the office after a glorious 3-day weekend.  Damn.  The weather was perfect, and in Oregon, that is a rarity!  75-80 degrees the entire three days!  Absolutely awesome.  To top it all of, my boyfriend, Michael, finally got off his rear and did the backyard!  Well, most of it anyway.  What remains is mostly my work, decorative and such.  I’m thinking of transplanting my rosemary from my kitchen window to a planter on the back porch this evening.  Rosemary normally does better outside, and said planter would look fabulous next to the backdoor.   Now, I just need little plants to go in the side holes (?)…not sure what you call those planters that look like ancient water jugs, but have the capacity to hold multiple plants.  Anyway, that’s what it is.  Pray my cat doesn’t decide to urinate on it.  😛

I have a tendency to kill green things.  Years ago, I wasn’t like this.  I had various plants all over the house.  Of course, I also lived in a condo with an entire wall of windows with direct sunlight.  Now, I live in a house surrounded by other houses, with minimal sunlight.  I will have to be savvy about this new gardening thing I’m trying.  Just seems like a good project for me right now.  Playing in the dirt in fun, as long as there’s no bugs.  I hate spiders.

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working haiku

Sleeping peacefully

Not aware that I am here

Dreaming while awake

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the real me

Desperate confusion seeps in

to the place where I hide

behind this facade

hoping and waiting

in doorways, cigarette billowing,

whirling away my memory in whiskey.

Look and see…..truly see

who I cannot be.

My lying smile and knowing eyes

betray the real me.

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repentance

hips swingin’

singin’ about

life and loss

and love and

beltin’ it out

like Janis

or Jimi

or Plant

beggin’ for

forgiveness

under urban

night lights

pines on

the skyline

the world streams

past waiting

for no one

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rare

i ain’t no vegetarian

 

smell of burnt

 

fat & flesh

 

drooling, craving, dripping

 

slam me a slab

 

of bloody Betsy

 

on my plate she pools

 

knife & fork tools

 

slap down the napkin

 

& devour

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untitled

a mystery

without a key

to unlock your inside

door to your mind

the wheels of time

keep turning

and I keep churning

out the same nonscensical bullshit

dripping from my tongue, my heart, my pen

lie awake for awhile &

remember me

Published Forever Nocture E-zine Vol. 2, Oct. ’08

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freedom

Swirling, spinning thoughts collide

Coincide with my everyday

As I scream and dream

Of a tomorrow where

Lies and envy can’t control me

Deceive me and kick me

When I’m down and out,

Lost in the shuffle of life

Passing me by while

I’m stuck on this merry-go-round.

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always

Repetition

Contemplation

Inebriation

Appreciation

Of Life

 

Published in The Other Herald – April 2009.

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Flu-Tube

I take the bus.  Everyday for 4 hours a day, just to get to work and home.  I call it “Doing My Part”, at least that’s what I tell other people and myself.  Really, I’m just a loser without a car!  And I have yet to find a car, insurance, gas etc. that costs less than a bus pass.  Just recently in Portland, which happens to have one of the best public transportation systems in the country, or at least it did, there has been an onslaught of what I refer to as “newbies”.  Apparently, these newbies have either not been trained properly or are in fact mildly retarded.
Multi-Tasking: the ability to perform multiple tasks at once.
I’m thinking roughly 85% of the newbies do not possess the ability to talk and drive at the same time!  Come on, people!  If you can’t talk and drive, perhaps bus driver is not the right career choice for you!  I swear, some of these people should not even have a license, let alone a license to operate a large vehicle!  Missing stops, running over curbs, and just generally inventing their own route.  People standing at the back door yelling to no avail, wanting desperately to get off the damn bus before the driver actually runs someone over!  Of course, I’m still trying to figure out why the city puts those planter/curb things in the middle of the street?!  I’m thinking it’s to slow drivers down (yeah like that works), or just one of those random acts of beauty that we in the NW are so famous for. 
Now normally, I don’t complain too much about it, but it seems like lately, they’ll let anyone drive the damn things!  This makes me feel oh-so-safe.  However, after the third hour or so at night, when all I really want is my shoes off and a stiff drink in hand, the $76.00 a month bus pass is not looking so hot.  Sheer idiocy, combined with drunken and/or smelly people rather grates on my nerves.  I often wonder: where do the cool drivers go?  I miss the lesbian lady, who smoked cigarettes at the Rose Quarter with me, and would always stop, even if I wasn’t at the bus stop yet, just running maniacaly down the street, arms-waving.  Really though, can anyone tell me that at this point in our society, that a two week gas bill is less than what I pay per month?!  It’s fucking ridiculous!  That however is an altogether different rant about the price of gas and the horrid state of affairs of our country and economy.  Maybe next time. 

 trimet

Damn I need a car!

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Choices

11/08/08

 Where to start?  It’s the drinking, more importantly the whiskey.  I am completely out of control and see no end in sight.  I have got to stop this detremental behavior or risk losing everthing I have.  I”m scared.  I don’t know if I’ strong enough to do this, but I can’t lose him again.  I really want to tell him these things, but he is so angry at me that I feel like I can’t even talk to the one person who is always there for me.  I am making poor choices, and putting others at risk with my behavior.  I’m blacking out and doing the stupidest things which I’ve never done before.  I’m scaring myself and I hate it.  I don’t know if I can just give up the whiskey and be okay, or if I’m going to have to stop drinking altogether?  Most likely, it’s the latter.  I know I’m better than this bullshit, but I can never seem to let it go, no matter how much I want to.  Addiction is killing me slowly and taking my soul.  I can distinctly see the two paths I’ve been given, and God help me if I pick the wrong one.  I don’t believe in AA, and I’m not quite ready for rehab, but I think I need help.  But I’m  a strong individual who never asks for help and hates feeling weak.  Michael is going to leave me if I don’t make some changes soon.  I’m already in major financial problems because of my idiocy with Stefan.  At least I talked to my Mom about the drinking problem.  Why do I always feel like I need an escape?  Why can’t I just be happy with who I am and where I’m going?  Sometimes, I hate myself, and want to end it all, but I’m too strong or too weak to do it.  Please help me.

 11/24/08

 Two weeks clean….well, maybe not clean, but off the whiskey.  It’s a start.  My life may not be all put back together, but I’m working on it.  Baby steps.  🙂

05/26/09

I’ll admit I’ve been silent on this issue for the last six months.  Bet you can guess why.  Immediately after I wrote that last entry, I began drinking again.  Pitiful.  I made it all the way through the holiday with the son up here.  Each visit normally stresses me out so much, that I drink even more than normal.  However, on the way home from dropping him off at his mother’s, Michael stops at a liquor store, buys a bottle, and I proceed to chug 1/3 of it immediately.  It was rather sad.  I’ve been on and off again since then.  Mostly off…the wagon that is. 

At this point, I’ve reached the conclusion that I need a major life change.  Stepping outside myself and not enjoying what I’m seeing.  Perhaps, I will attempt normality for a change?  “Normal” ~ the word just simply sounds boring.  Rolls off the tongue boring…lifeless.  I will try to make normal a little bit more funky.  🙂

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