Aah…..the return to the office after a glorious 3-day weekend. Damn. The weather was perfect, and in Oregon, that is a rarity! 75-80 degrees the entire three days! Absolutely awesome. To top it all of, my boyfriend, Michael, finally got off his rear and did the backyard! Well, most of it anyway. What remains is mostly my work, decorative and such. I’m thinking of transplanting my rosemary from my kitchen window to a planter on the back porch this evening. Rosemary normally does better outside, and said planter would look fabulous next to the backdoor. Now, I just need little plants to go in the side holes (?)…not sure what you call those planters that look like ancient water jugs, but have the capacity to hold multiple plants. Anyway, that’s what it is. Pray my cat doesn’t decide to urinate on it. 😛
I have a tendency to kill green things. Years ago, I wasn’t like this. I had various plants all over the house. Of course, I also lived in a condo with an entire wall of windows with direct sunlight. Now, I live in a house surrounded by other houses, with minimal sunlight. I will have to be savvy about this new gardening thing I’m trying. Just seems like a good project for me right now. Playing in the dirt in fun, as long as there’s no bugs. I hate spiders.
Desperate confusion seeps in
to the place where I hide
behind this facade
hoping and waiting
in doorways, cigarette billowing,
whirling away my memory in whiskey.
Look and see…..truly see
who I cannot be.
My lying smile and knowing eyes
betray the real me.
i ain’t no vegetarian
smell of burnt
fat & flesh
drooling, craving, dripping
slam me a slab
of bloody Betsy
on my plate she pools
knife & fork tools
slap down the napkin
without a key
to unlock your inside
door to your mind
the wheels of time
and I keep churning
out the same nonscensical bullshit
dripping from my tongue, my heart, my pen
lie awake for awhile &
Published Forever Nocture E-zine Vol. 2, Oct. ’08
Swirling, spinning thoughts collide
Coincide with my everyday
As I scream and dream
Of a tomorrow where
Lies and envy can’t control me
Deceive me and kick me
When I’m down and out,
Lost in the shuffle of life
Passing me by while
I’m stuck on this merry-go-round.
Published in The Other Herald – April 2009.
Where to start? It’s the drinking, more importantly the whiskey. I am completely out of control and see no end in sight. I have got to stop this detremental behavior or risk losing everthing I have. I”m scared. I don’t know if I’ strong enough to do this, but I can’t lose him again. I really want to tell him these things, but he is so angry at me that I feel like I can’t even talk to the one person who is always there for me. I am making poor choices, and putting others at risk with my behavior. I’m blacking out and doing the stupidest things which I’ve never done before. I’m scaring myself and I hate it. I don’t know if I can just give up the whiskey and be okay, or if I’m going to have to stop drinking altogether? Most likely, it’s the latter. I know I’m better than this bullshit, but I can never seem to let it go, no matter how much I want to. Addiction is killing me slowly and taking my soul. I can distinctly see the two paths I’ve been given, and God help me if I pick the wrong one. I don’t believe in AA, and I’m not quite ready for rehab, but I think I need help. But I’m a strong individual who never asks for help and hates feeling weak. Michael is going to leave me if I don’t make some changes soon. I’m already in major financial problems because of my idiocy with Stefan. At least I talked to my Mom about the drinking problem. Why do I always feel like I need an escape? Why can’t I just be happy with who I am and where I’m going? Sometimes, I hate myself, and want to end it all, but I’m too strong or too weak to do it. Please help me.
Two weeks clean….well, maybe not clean, but off the whiskey. It’s a start. My life may not be all put back together, but I’m working on it. Baby steps. 🙂
I’ll admit I’ve been silent on this issue for the last six months. Bet you can guess why. Immediately after I wrote that last entry, I began drinking again. Pitiful. I made it all the way through the holiday with the son up here. Each visit normally stresses me out so much, that I drink even more than normal. However, on the way home from dropping him off at his mother’s, Michael stops at a liquor store, buys a bottle, and I proceed to chug 1/3 of it immediately. It was rather sad. I’ve been on and off again since then. Mostly off…the wagon that is.
At this point, I’ve reached the conclusion that I need a major life change. Stepping outside myself and not enjoying what I’m seeing. Perhaps, I will attempt normality for a change? “Normal” ~ the word just simply sounds boring. Rolls off the tongue boring…lifeless. I will try to make normal a little bit more funky. 🙂