Where to start?  It’s the drinking, more importantly the whiskey.  I am completely out of control and see no end in sight.  I have got to stop this detremental behavior or risk losing everthing I have.  I”m scared.  I don’t know if I’ strong enough to do this, but I can’t lose him again.  I really want to tell him these things, but he is so angry at me that I feel like I can’t even talk to the one person who is always there for me.  I am making poor choices, and putting others at risk with my behavior.  I’m blacking out and doing the stupidest things which I’ve never done before.  I’m scaring myself and I hate it.  I don’t know if I can just give up the whiskey and be okay, or if I’m going to have to stop drinking altogether?  Most likely, it’s the latter.  I know I’m better than this bullshit, but I can never seem to let it go, no matter how much I want to.  Addiction is killing me slowly and taking my soul.  I can distinctly see the two paths I’ve been given, and God help me if I pick the wrong one.  I don’t believe in AA, and I’m not quite ready for rehab, but I think I need help.  But I’m  a strong individual who never asks for help and hates feeling weak.  Michael is going to leave me if I don’t make some changes soon.  I’m already in major financial problems because of my idiocy with Stefan.  At least I talked to my Mom about the drinking problem.  Why do I always feel like I need an escape?  Why can’t I just be happy with who I am and where I’m going?  Sometimes, I hate myself, and want to end it all, but I’m too strong or too weak to do it.  Please help me.


 Two weeks clean….well, maybe not clean, but off the whiskey.  It’s a start.  My life may not be all put back together, but I’m working on it.  Baby steps.  🙂


I’ll admit I’ve been silent on this issue for the last six months.  Bet you can guess why.  Immediately after I wrote that last entry, I began drinking again.  Pitiful.  I made it all the way through the holiday with the son up here.  Each visit normally stresses me out so much, that I drink even more than normal.  However, on the way home from dropping him off at his mother’s, Michael stops at a liquor store, buys a bottle, and I proceed to chug 1/3 of it immediately.  It was rather sad.  I’ve been on and off again since then.  Mostly off…the wagon that is. 

At this point, I’ve reached the conclusion that I need a major life change.  Stepping outside myself and not enjoying what I’m seeing.  Perhaps, I will attempt normality for a change?  “Normal” ~ the word just simply sounds boring.  Rolls off the tongue boring…lifeless.  I will try to make normal a little bit more funky.  🙂


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Filed under Blogs - 2009

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