Choices

11/08/08

 Where to start?  It’s the drinking, more importantly the whiskey.  I am completely out of control and see no end in sight.  I have got to stop this detremental behavior or risk losing everthing I have.  I”m scared.  I don’t know if I’ strong enough to do this, but I can’t lose him again.  I really want to tell him these things, but he is so angry at me that I feel like I can’t even talk to the one person who is always there for me.  I am making poor choices, and putting others at risk with my behavior.  I’m blacking out and doing the stupidest things which I’ve never done before.  I’m scaring myself and I hate it.  I don’t know if I can just give up the whiskey and be okay, or if I’m going to have to stop drinking altogether?  Most likely, it’s the latter.  I know I’m better than this bullshit, but I can never seem to let it go, no matter how much I want to.  Addiction is killing me slowly and taking my soul.  I can distinctly see the two paths I’ve been given, and God help me if I pick the wrong one.  I don’t believe in AA, and I’m not quite ready for rehab, but I think I need help.  But I’m  a strong individual who never asks for help and hates feeling weak.  Michael is going to leave me if I don’t make some changes soon.  I’m already in major financial problems because of my idiocy with Stefan.  At least I talked to my Mom about the drinking problem.  Why do I always feel like I need an escape?  Why can’t I just be happy with who I am and where I’m going?  Sometimes, I hate myself, and want to end it all, but I’m too strong or too weak to do it.  Please help me.

 11/24/08

 Two weeks clean….well, maybe not clean, but off the whiskey.  It’s a start.  My life may not be all put back together, but I’m working on it.  Baby steps.  🙂

05/26/09

I’ll admit I’ve been silent on this issue for the last six months.  Bet you can guess why.  Immediately after I wrote that last entry, I began drinking again.  Pitiful.  I made it all the way through the holiday with the son up here.  Each visit normally stresses me out so much, that I drink even more than normal.  However, on the way home from dropping him off at his mother’s, Michael stops at a liquor store, buys a bottle, and I proceed to chug 1/3 of it immediately.  It was rather sad.  I’ve been on and off again since then.  Mostly off…the wagon that is. 

At this point, I’ve reached the conclusion that I need a major life change.  Stepping outside myself and not enjoying what I’m seeing.  Perhaps, I will attempt normality for a change?  “Normal” ~ the word just simply sounds boring.  Rolls off the tongue boring…lifeless.  I will try to make normal a little bit more funky.  🙂

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Filed under Blogs - 2009

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